Please help, my dyslexic boyfriend broke up with me
~ kdoggie ~
Posted 06 October 2011 - 08:23 AM
my dyslexic boyfriend of 10 months has just broken up with me and now that i've researched a bit about dyslexia i'm wondering it that is what caused all of the relationship problems?
i read that dyslexics are more prone to anxiety, self-esteem issues, and intense sorrow or pain, possibly because of how hard it is to learn, and discouragement from people around them when they're young. i read that they have a hard time moving on from past hurts and that they avoid change and promotion because they anticipate failure. these seem to describe my boyfriend completely.
i knew that my boyfriend has dyslexia, but i didn't realize that it affected his social behavior and relationships, i thought it was only a reading/writing issue.
the main issues of our relationship were
1. he had been hurt very badly from a previous girlfriend. he wouldn't let go of this pain, even after 3 years. even after we've been going out for 10 months, he's still holding onto the pain.
2. he never went after his dreams. he often talks about his dreams for his life, getting a better career, getting married, starting a family... but it frustrated me that he never took any steps to get there.
i'm just beginning to realize that these are issues that could be symptoms of his dyslexia.
he is the love of my life and i am heartbroken that he broke up with me. he said that it was because he couldn't let go of the pain from his past relationship and that it wasn't fair to me. i felt like he had been holding back in fear of failure and rejection again. even though we both know that he loves me and wants to marry me, i think he's scared of getting rejected again or failing.
he knows that he has dyslexia, but i don't think he understands that it affects him in these ways. we both always questioned why these things were issues. and his struggle with understanding himself and why he does the things he does has broken our relationship and his self-confidence.
i never wanted to break up, and i still feel there's hope for us, especially now that i understand him so much better. but i don't know how to get him to understand.
has anyone had to deal with these kind of relational issues? or does anyone have any advice? i'm desperately searching....
Posted 06 October 2011 - 07:35 PM
Dyslexia does not badly affect my romantic relationships. The only way it would affect it would be if my partner didn't accept the difficulties I had or made fun of them, and possibly if I felt they might think less of me if I disclosed them. If I wasn't dealing with my dyslexia or finding work was an issue because of it, then that might lead to conflict in a relationship as well.
It's not that we aren't more prone as a group to anxiety, stress, or depression, but they are normally more direct responses to dyslexic issues. For instance if you've not had support with dyslexia and can't get employment easily as a result, that could lead to depression. Dyslexic people also tend to find school far more anxiety producing and stressful than other people, because of the extra learning issues we face. It's not that dyslexic people are more likely to get depressed or anxious in any given situation, though it can lead to general issues with self esteem/confidence.
This sounds more like his personality, and probably only tangentially related to dyslexia. Different people respond to adversity differently, and can even respond differently depending on the type of adversity. I'm scared of failing at certain things related to my dyslexia, and in other areas it gives me extra drive as I feel I have something to prove. Counselling might help if these are recurring issues, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) might be particularly helpful with fear of failure or negative thinking.
~ engy ~
Posted 06 October 2011 - 08:33 PM
Dyslexia can be deeply humiliating and frustrating. I have just been through this at work lately because I have fallen flat on my face trying to do some work that was a new way of working for me (I am an engineer) but it is my responsibility to accept that I should have asked for help sooner (from HR in the way of reasonable adjustments) and I should have found a different way of working. I have had a few rough days because this experience has brought back bad memories of bullying that I endured a few years ago (my Manager was implementing low level bullying in this case). However I cannot take this out on the people around me and I have to be professional. I have now been moved away from this Manager - and now I pick myself up, dust myself down, start again and look for ways around the problems I encountered. Other dyslexics DO go after their dreams, and have the ability to pick themselves up. It sounds like he has a bit of a victim mentality. You don't want this is a partner. If anything goes wrong, he will simply blame YOU.
From your point of view it sounds like you are hoping for another reason he broke up, other than he simply does not want to be with you. Dyslexic or not, in terms of what you want from a relationship, he is not right for you in the sense that he is not capable of having a relationship full stop by the sounds of it.
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